January 2006 - Posts

Update: House of Wax

I failed in a fundamental way as a writer. I intended to convey an idea. I used words to express that idea. The finished product did not convey the idea I had intended it to. That is the ultimate failure for a writer.

See, I didn't mean to give the impression that House of Wax was a great or even a good movie. It was competent and entertaining. But I focused on praising it simply because I was so impressed that it wasn't awful. I should have spent some time criticizing it for its shortcomings. Alas, some people got the wrong idea. This movie is good for a rental. You'll like it. But you won't think too much about it after it's over.

Someone might look over my review and see that I said, "good, competent horror film..." In the context of the sentence and paragraph, however, it should be clear that "good" does not mean "good movie" in the general sense. Here, it means "well-behaved," which should be obvious from the context.

Review: House of Wax

I've seen enough horror movies to be a skeptic. When House of Wax presented itself and focused on its casting of Paris Hilton, I groaned and decided to skip it in theatres. Now it's on DVD, and I'm willing to give it a try. Last night, alone at Marc's house, waiting to pick him up from work, I sat back with popcorn and Raisinets and braced myself for an incompetent stab at horror. haha, stab. To my surprise, this movie avoided nearly every cliche in the genre and turned out to be a scary, enjoyable film.

Above all, I hate characters that act irrationally. Fear is a powerful tool. It gives us the ability to do things we never thought we could do. It does NOT make us unable to do anything but accept our grisly fate. Girls are NOT only good at screaming at the top of their lungs. Bad guys, especially ones that are human, are NOT invincible or even that strong. You can at LEAST put up a fight against them. You can outsmart them. You can defeat them. This movie has some of the smartest, most attentive, most resourceful teenagers I've seen in movies lately. They stick together, for one. They fight back competently. They don't make stupid, dangerous decisions like letting a stranger help too much, intruding on private ceremonies, or leaving their friends behind. You can root for these people because they give you reason to root for them.

Best of all, the movie doesn't capitalize on tired shock moments. For example, a hand is sticking up out of the ground. You wait for the gruesome shot of the whole body accompanied by a sudden cacophony of sounds to aid in scaring you. Instead, the hand is from a mannequin. Or consider a knife pulled out as a stranger goes to open the door of your car. As soon as that door opens, he's going to run that knife into your belly inside the car - but wait, he opens the door and steps aside for you to leave...and let's you go. This movie surprised me by not stooping to the level of typical horror/slasher movies. It had a heart. Well, considering. For example, the heroine takes the time to understand one of the killers and pleads with him to not kill her. She understands him and pities his situation.

Finally, it does what any good, competent horror film should do. It answers the question we are all wondering about, how did no one know about these crazy people? And it leaves a nice, little cliffhanger, just something to wonder about after the main storyline has finished.

Review: Silence of the Lambs

I need a second perspective. I need someone to watch Silence of the Lambs and tell me that it's good. Because from what I'm seeing, it ain't. It might be that I have a biased view. While I'm watching the blasted movie, I can't stop comparing it to the book. I couldn't stop doing that with Memoirs, either. That might be why I can't enjoy movies that I've already read. Then I think to myself, what about Jurassic Park? And Sphere? Then again, there are very specific reasons why I like those movies so much, despite their lack of detail from the books.

Silence of the Lambs just seems cheesy. It's like they tried to replicate exactly some of the stuff from the book, trying to retain the same jokes, even, and failed to make it interesting in the final product. For example, in the book when Starling meets Chilton for the first time, he tries to push her around and come on to her many times, and she just pushes right back, wittily. He calls her Miss Sterling, emphasizing Miss. She responds, no, it's just Starling with an a. He criticizes the FBI's decision to send her, a girl, to meet Lecter. She says, yes, the Bureau is certainly improving. He asks to show her around Baltimore, she looks away, making him realize bluntly that she finds him distasteful. In the movie, the only time she puts him down is when he realizes she doesn't want him to be there when she talks to Lecter and complains that she should have told him that at the office instead of making him walk down to the cells with her. She smiles and says, "And deprive me of your company?" - good one, Clarice. One of my favorite parts of their ongoing rift is completely omitted from the movie. Later on when she comes back to interrogate Lecter and Chilton is much less willing to let her, in the movie, all he says is, "I'm not a turnkey here, Miss Starling, I don't come running down here at night just to let people in and out." But in the book, he continues, "I had a ticket to Holiday on Ice." And here's the good part, verbatim.

    "He realized he'd said a ticket. In that instant Starling saw his life, and he knew it.
    She saw his bleak refrigerator, the crumbs on the TV tray where he ate alone, the still piles his things stayed in for months until he moved them - she felt the ache of his whole yellow-smiling Sen-Sen lonesome life- and switchblade-quick she knew not to spare him, not to talk on or look away. She stared into his face, and with the smallest tilt of her head, she gave him her good looks and bored her knowledge in, speared him with it, knowing he couldn't stand for the conversation to go on."

I suppose it's hard to put thoughts like that into movies, unless it's done throughout and established as a device. But you lose so much when you can only see actions. Thoughts must be allowed! If I were to become a director, if I wanted to show someone thinking, by Job, I would do it. Otherwise, you have to make obvious gestures, actions, and camera motions. Like, when Hannibal uses the metal clip from the pen to make a pick for a lock. If we could read his thoughts, we would know that he had seen the pen laying forgotten on his cot. Instead, we get this awful, embarassing zoom in on the pen laying on the bed. It's the kind of thing that would make a slow person light up and go, Ohhhhh! and a somewhat smarter person like me groan. As if now we have this big realization that he's going to use it. A totally unnecessary shot. There are many shots like that in the movie.

I just can't get over the fact that this isn't as good as the book. The characters aren't as engaging, the killer isn't as intense or scary, he's more like a rock queen in the movie than anything else. This isn't good even as a movie. It's too deliberate and stagey. I can't believe it won 5 of its 7 Academy Award nominations. The 5 it won were the important ones, too, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, and get this, Best Picture....come on! It beat out Disney's Beauty and the Beast, which, by the way, is the only animated movie to have been nominated for Best Picture. It deserved that award way more than Silence of the Lambs.

Final Note: I'd like to give a shout-out to my main man, Anthony Hopkins. He's the saving grace of this movie. Hannibal the Cannibal...you da man. In just 16 minutes, you created one of the most memorable criminals in movie history, among the likes of Tony Montana, Jules & Vincent, and Jimmy & Tommy all of whom had over an hour each of screen presence in their movies. You deserve to have the record for shortest performance ever to win an Oscar.

Addendum: Morgan Webb

For your viewing pleasure, my favorite pictures of the beautiful Morgan Webb.

Review: Hostel

I felt ashamed sitting in the theater, watching Hostel. This is a purely exploitative thriller with no redeeming value whatsoever. I've never seen more sex and naked breasts in a movie theater than last night. And there was only sex and naked breasts in the first forty-five minutes! This movie is clearly made to entertain, and it nakedly shows that. No pun intended. And that is where the problem of Hostel lies. This movie has no meat on its bones, kind of like some of the poor victims in this movie. It has a premise: this torture chamber which unsuspecting victims are conned into entering. But it has no delivery; it can't! I'm thankful that the director and writer (same person, Eli Roth) knew when too much was too much. If he had shown too much violence, people would have walked out of the theater. I suspect the movie would have tanked. For example, one of the Americans is given a sleeping pill, and when he wakes up, he is strapped to a chair. We get the obligatory, "where am I? let me go!" demand/plea. We are, of course, right there with him, and we are bracing ourselves for what is going to happen next. Well, the torturer grabs a drill and starts drilling into the guy's legs. The guy hollers and begs for mercy. It's horrible. Then we see a toe being snapped between two pincers. More pleading and begging. Then..gasp! The torturer unshackles him, opens the door, and tells him he's free to leave. The guy can't believe it, but he ain't waiting around. He leaps up....and screams his lungs out. We get a beautiful shot of his ankles....they've been sliced open, so when he gets up, the skin, the muscle, the tendon spread apart. He falls to the floor. At this moment, the audience is thinking, my god, this is only the beginning of the movie, how much more of this can I endure? Roth is right there with us. He closes that scene and gives us time to breathe, by giving us a little detective story with the American guy's friend trying to find out what happened to him. When he finally shows up at the torture chamber, maybe twenty minutes later in the movie, we're ready for some more gore. But after seeing the "more," we realize that maybe we don't want to see that much more. Which is why the wonderful director that he is, he only shows us fleeting scenes of tortures. You can't really make out anything since it's so dark, but you get the gist. You see one person in a cage. You see someone else hanging from chains. You see someone being burned. But these, you only see for a second at the most because anything else and you'd want to leave. But see, that's the problem. We can only handle so much gore, so we can't spend much time in the torture chamber. And we don't. I bet only 25%-30% of the movie is actually in the torture rooms. And we're glad for that, but it makes the movie really insubstantial. In fact, it makes the very beginning of the movie embarassingly long. You get the feeling that the guy is trying to stretch out the running time of the movie by having all these seemingly unneccessary scenes in clubs, bars, and motel rooms. And just to keep you in your seat while you wade through that stuff, there's always some naked girl in the background. This movie is really short and very simple. Not nearly as intelligent or scary as Saw and Saw II. It's something you might want to rent some time, or see in Corsicana for two bucks. I wouldn't waste four.

Morgan Webb - This girl has game

So, I have a new crush. Since finding out that X-Play is FREE on iTunes and updated weekly, I've been addicted to their reviews of games. But more than that, I'm addicted to the precious few seconds of screen time given to Morgan Webb, the foinest video game geek since Cat Schwartz. Imagine my surprise (not) when she beat out Cat Schwartz in a Playboy poll asking subscribers who they would most like to see naked. I totally agree. See for yourself. (above)

What a Disappointment

Why is this happening at the box office? King Kong should be blowing the competition (Narnia and anything else that comes along) OUT OF THE WATER. It's clearly a better movie. There's no doubt about that. But for some reason, Narnia beat it out this past week, and this week Hostel beat it AND Narnia. It still hasn't made its budget back. This is a real bummer.

In numerical terms: on its opening weekend, Narnia made 67 million. Kong: 40 million. To date, Narnia has made 250 million. Kong: 192 million. This weekend, Hostel took 20 million. Narnia took 15. Kong: 12.

LONGHORN FOOTBALL

HOW BOUT DEM LONGHORNS!!!!!

As you may know by now, unless you've been living under a rock, the Texas Longhorns pulled off a big upset win against the mighty old USC Trojans. A 41-38 win, to be precise. And boy was it an exciting game. It is the reason, the very reason, I quit watching football a long time ago. Some might not understand the amount of emotion that fans pour into every game their team plays. And when you have games like this, games that are the reason they played all those other games, well, you might begin to understand how emotionally charged this game was. In the last two minutes of this game, I could not stop shaking. I hadn't been this bad since John Elway and the Broncos won the Super Bowl. That time I cried. This time I didn't. When that pass flew over the receivers head and I read the 0:00 on the clock and the Longhorn team started pouring out onto the field, I leapt into the air and gave a shout. Inside, I was bursting with joy. The reason I didn't cry during this game, I suppose, was because in the Super Bowl game, Elway had been retiring and he needed that ring. And he got it. Well-deserved. In this UT vs. USC game, there was less personal involvement. It was more the UT program against the USC program. But I can't handle this emotion, especially when it's over football teams. It's just too exhausting. And when it doesn't pay off, it's devastating. Imagine if the Longhorns had lost! But they didn't.

P.S. Vince Young is incredible, invinceable, and impossible to deny. Without a doubt, without him, the Longhorns would have lost.

Review: The Island

I've heard bad things about The Island. Mainly, that it's not good. I forget the reasons. Especially when I think of how good this movie is. This is a good movie - a solid sci-fi action picture. In the near distant future of 2019, things haven't really changed that much. There are a few more skyscrapers and transportation is better, but the (sometimes obliviously) greedy, selfish lives we Americans live remain thankfully intact. Ewan McGregor, Sean Bean, Steve Buscemi, and Scarlett Johansson fit perfectly into their roles as, respectively, a curious, intelligent person, a misguided philanthropist and capitalist, a good-hearted, wise-cracking IT guy, and an agile, athletic, and ass-kicking counterpart to McGregor.

After reading a few reviews, I've reached a conclusion. Critics know too much. Because they've seen this type of movie done before (and done better), they have little patience for this movie. Having seen very few of these types of movies, I enjoyed it. To be sure, it's a bit shallow in the latter half of the movie, but that's okay. I cared about the characters (Johansson - so hot!) and enjoyed the action sequences. This is an exciting movie worth watching.